I've been going through an internal battle over my running lately. I've had some major disappointments in the past few months as well as some major accomplishments, but the disappointments really have me down.

As a runner, you have to know the road never really ends. A bad race is a bad race. You move on to the next one. I've never had a problem doing that, until this season.

Warning, I'm going to complain for a minute here:

First I failed to improve my marathon time, after 6 months of some of the best training of my life and suffering through almost constant hip injury. My hips are fine when I run, but then I spend the rest of my days limping around, everywhere. I know I should see a doctor, but I haven't, and he's just going to tell me to stop running. Still, it sucks to go through all of this training, lose downtime that I could be spending with my husband, limp around everywhere I go, and not even see a one second improvement in my marathon.

Then, I totally bonked my last half marathon. Granted, I use half marathons more as training than racing events, but I love halfs. I feel good running halfs. I stunk up the course on this last one... And I say that knowing that people will say something like, "What are you complaining about!? I'd be happy to break 2 hours in a half!" If you're one of those people, I appreciate your thoughts, but I'm not trying to compare my time to yours. You would be upset too if you lost 15+ minutes off of your best time.

I haven't had the motivation to run at all lately because I've been so disappointed. And yes, I'm still limping around.

Today I may have had a ray of hope. I ran a strong 5K, maybe my best ever, and several people complimented me on a great race when it was over. I think I helped pace them. I have two more 5Ks next weekend, then a break from racing for a while.

Today's 5K reminded me that I do love to run. Maybe I've just been putting too much pressure on myself. In the past few months, I've also left a job and started a new one, which I love and want to do well at. I'm sure that's part of the problem with my running. Running is no longer my saving grace from work, like it was a few months ago. Now I like going to work. I don't NEED to run to forget about the rest of my day.

I have to feel that I WANT to run and I LOVE to run. And I do feel that, just not all of the time lately. To help me make sure I feel that way, I'm going to stop trying to BQ for a while. I'm going to sign up for a half and a full in the fall, but I just want to enjoy them, even if that means jogging. I missed the feeling I had in my first full, when all I wanted to do was finish. I did finish. And I didn't want to stop running. I felt so amazing...

I need to get that amazing feeling back.